Writers drink. Good writers drink and bad writers drink. Some of the great writers even drank themselves to death. And some of the poor writers probably did too.  Me? I don't drink. For that matter I don't write often enough.

Letting Go...

How?

The Lovers, The Dreamers And Me...

I am so thankful to Kermit the Frog for reminding me through joy or sadness; struggle, trouble, problems, or pain; joy, laughter, and happiness... In tough and easy times, that there's still hope. There is still more to all of this. In this, we press on... 

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me. 

Is it in you now....

"If" by Rudyard Kipling 

"Sowing Season (Yeah)" by Brand New 

------------------------------------

If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Like you say you do?

A man in the park read the lines on my hands, told me I'm strong; hardly ever wrong. I said, "Man, you're mean."

You had plans for both of us that involved a trip out of town to a place I've seen in a magazine that you left lying around. I don't have you with me, but I keep a good attitude. Do you miss me, Miss Misery like you say you do?

To vanish into oblivion is easy to do. And I try to be, but you know me... I come back when you want me to. Do you miss me, Miss Misery? Like you say you do?

Sick down to my heart, but that's just the way it goes...

So, I'm really angry. It's upsetting because I feel like I have little to no outlet for what I feel so it builds up within my chest and I just think of mean things and I want to yell and break something. I've decided that when I have a house of my own, I am going to designate one corner of the back yard to be the "Sean's Angry Corner" (We're still working on the name). It's really quite interesting to me, because for a long, long time I did not consider myself to be an angry person. It's only been the last couple of years that I've identified the anger. For me, I press down on feelings I have that I see as wrong or upsetting or especially hurtful towards others... That's the last thing I want to do, is hurt other people. The problem is that I confuse those three things and they should not be confused.

When I was young, I grew up around people who treated one another very badly out of their anger and it was something I never, ever wanted to do. I think that in this, I associated anger with with poor situation management, and by extension, "Bad." So once you break all that down from it's many parts to just one view that view becomes Simple.

Being angry = Being bad

Now, my desire to not want to be anything like the people who hurt others in their anger, I pressed it all down. I told myself never to behave "Badly" and that included never allowing myself to get angry. I would tell people I was sad, or hurt, or depressed... Which was not untrue, but in that I also became angry. I just did not recognize it, but rather dismiss it and it wound up pressing right back until times when I would say hurtful things and I could not figure out for the life of be why that would happen. Where would my mean words come from? I didn't want to upset or hurt anyone, so why would I act like an asshole all of the sudden? And I knew why, I knew it was because I got tired or being treated poorly, or being hurt or walked on and so finally I would not be able to take it anymore. And it was in this a few years ago that I was reminded by the verse Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry, but sin not...." Anger is natural and maybe even healthy, There is even talk of "Righteous Anger" or a "Holy Discontent." God gets angry, and God is all good. Anger is not the issue, it's what you do with that anger that can become the problem. Despite my natural instinct to press down my anger, I try to find ways to say I'm angry rather than ignoring it, and learning all of this has been huge for me. Please excuse the following rant of my anger in a more healthy form.

I have been more hurt by more friends in the last few months than maybe any other previous time in my life. I'm trying not to be, but I've just been hurt and betrayed by so many people I never thought I'd have to worry about doing such. And what's confusing, is when I recap, I know that there's nothing I can do because any miscommunication we may have had that I caused, I have cleared up... I've tried to be soft, then nice, then firm, then mean, they just explain how sad I was and here we are.... Nothing I am doing is fixing this or letting these people know what I so desperately wish they would get: I love my friends and I always want to do what's right where they are concerned... And yet I get lied to, betrayed and left by people I honestly thought I would have forever. And I know "These things happen" and "Now is not forever" but, damn it I'm just so brokenhearted and I don't know what else to say. I've said the truth and I suppose that's all I have. And so now I'm trying to fight the anger, but stop fighting the anger, but make sure that I don't sin in the anger, but still feeling and letting out the anger and it's all just making me very angry.

"Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back, so lets end this call and end this conversation. Is that what you call a getaway? Well, tell me what you got away with cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you said, 'Best friends means friends forever.' Is that what you call a getaway? Well tell me what you got away with, cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish. I've seen more guts in 11 year old kids..."

And for now, I will be thankful for what I do have... For the friends who stick up for me and know my heart. For my friends who shut down the lies when they hear them. For my friends who get angry that I'm sad. And it is so hard because I care so deeply.... These people mean the world to me and I honestly want to help these people and fix these situations. It hurts so bad, and that's why I'm so angry. However, I know that I also need to learn to let go... To stop trying to fix everything all the time. I know that, but it's just so hard when you honestly genuinely care about the people you have to let go of. For now, I have to try and surrender the situation(s) to God. I'm sure He's got it.

And I do hope that these people will wake up and see what they are doing. See that I am here and I'm trying to do what's right. I hope that they miss me and know that I love them... I hope they find out. Until then, I have to side with Steven Morrissey on the matter....

Regaurding Anne Frank

We've been talking a good deal about Anne Frank as of lately. This sparked up primarily because my good friend, Josh has just read her diary. A lot of discussion about personality type and perspective came up as it often does. We all have been talking about what an amazing and beautiful young mind she was and how wise beyond her years she was. It's really astonishing and I have to say though, that in reading the things she has written down, it really takes me back quite a bit to feel her heart so strongly through her writing... And honestly, I understand her quite a good deal. By this, I by no means am comparing the life I live as a server at a restaurant who lives in a house surrounded with people whom I love greatly and who I believe at the very least find me tolerable to her life and the tragedy and horror that surrounded it. Rather, I mean her outlook is firstly inspiring and second something I find myself thinking quite a substantial amount of time.

One of the things I catch myself saying, thinking, and feeling is my desire to feel heard and understood. And anyone who knows me would probably find that somewhat stupid considering that I stand up for what I believe, speak my mind and can even be quite challenging and correcting (Not all together a "Good" thing). But in the midst of my quest for what is right, I feel very much and very often that my thoughts do not get through. In my attempts to do what is right, I fear my deep desire to do what is right and to care for and love others gets overseen. In my strict and blunt defense, I do not feel that it is seen how much I just want to make everyone happy and safe. Behind my strength, softness. Behind my smile, pain. Behind my will to fight, loneliness. Behind my standing firm, my hurt and sadness.

And in all of the things I have read and with all the things I admire in Anne Frank, over her wit and intelligence, wisdom and insight, what has stuck out to me most are the things I thought as a child. Often. About never knowing when your parents wanting you to be serious or to joke (To this day, I still feel like I always guess that wrong.) How she longed to have authentic friendships and to be authentic with people; to be honest. Her notice of the need for love and for joy. (I think that provided people would ask and listen to me more, they would find that this is one of the strongest of my desires. To have fun and to love and be free). That she refused to back off of her standards, despite how unrealistic they may seem. And perhaps most of all.... Her strong belief that people had good in them. The idea that you should not give up on people.

This is quite rushed, because my laptop is dying... But I just want to scream sometimes I feel so much and so little can really show in my day to day life. So this is me saying, I understand the want you think, Anne Frank. And for anyone who understands how I think, I've got your back. You're not crazy, and if you are you are most certainly not alone. And for anyone who knows someone like me. You would be surprised what you'd learn if you'd get down to the heart and reason of things.

God bless. Good night.

Before You Go, Can You Read My Mind?

When I was a kid I loved movies. It started with Disney's "Cinderella" and Dr. Suess' "How The Grinch Stole Christmas." It went on to be the Transformers movie and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other movie adaptations of cartoons I loved. Then came The Princess Bride, Watership Down, Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Back To The Future. Then, when I was at my Uncle's house it really started to grow... I got to see Terminator 2: Judgement Day, tons of comedies and Jaws. I started to watch all the movies I could get a hold of or tape off of television. Con-Air, Air Force One, and one particular moment when my mom let me watch Twister which I had wanted to see with her in theaters but wasn't allowed. And so on and so forth. And then there is music, it was Christian rock for me for a while. DC Talk and the Newsboys and things my Mother liked, like Barry Manilo and Michael Bolton. I was, however surruonded by a lot of 80's music as I grew up around the houses and family members I did and that is what really started to form my first "Tatse" in music. Hall and Oats, Blondie, Eurythimics, Phil Collins; George Michael, Huey Lewis and The News, and of course "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler and "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo,

All that being a little bit of backgroud for the understanding that when I talk about music and film it's something I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about it because I love stories, characters, and meaning. While I love comidies, it's doubtful you will find many if any at all on my favorite movies of all time list. (This does exclude wondersful comidies with depth such as The Princess Bride, Juno, or most things John Hughes wrote or anything that Wes Anderson has created.) Music tells a story and in music you just say how you feel. These ideas are very, very important to me. I seek to understand people and hear and understand where they are coming from. I believe telling a story is far more effective than providing the basic inromation which you are to imply. I feel like Jesus and His Father must feel the same way, seeing as how Jesus always said "The Kingdom of Heaven is like, (Insert story). And the Bible is full of them, so all that being the case, He must think that we can learn more through an experience than a lesson. I believe film (and of course, litterature) can do this. And then music allows you to say what you want and it doesn't matter if it's angry or mad or sad because you're singing it. And the really great singers sing it like they mean it, and when that happens, it can be the best stuff. 

I always liked it when singers yelled their lyrics. When Bonnie Tyler belts out "Love is like a shadow on me all of the time!" Or Phil Collins: "Take a look at me now. I'll still be standing here!" it gets to you. Or even the beautiful voice and lyrics that are sang with a upbeat tune from The Cure's Robert Smith. "Daylight wiped me inti shape. I must have been asleep for days. I moved my lips to breath her name and opened up my eyes and found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea, that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me." Those are some of the most beautiful and hearbreaking words I have ever heard sung. And it's okay. And feelings being okay is something I believe in very much for most everyone but myself. So I need to sing. I need it. And I believe considering 150 Psalms made the cut into the Bible including some that talk about how God has left David alone with his enemies surronding him.... I think that also says some wonderful things about our God. Not only that he likes music, but that it's okay to have feelings... Even the big scary, angry tearful ones.

I really didn't plan on going into all that. I was thinking of a song that I remember feeling so much at one point in my life and that caused me to think of how thankful I am for the work of Brandon Flowers and the band The Killers. He's one of those people who I would just love to sit down and talk to because I feel as though we would agree on a whole lot of things. Then it wound up into this little rant about how very much these things mean to me and why. Provided you read this far, thanks for listening to my story and feelings about stories and feelings. 

I hope you enjoy this and maybe you will feel this deep and pure inside your heart like I have and I suppose on some level, still do. God bless. 

It's not "If I believe in Love." It's "Love believes in me."

I have found myself in mild conflict with others as of late, mostly for my desire to stand on the Word of God as use it as my foundation. That may not be the way that people would put it, but it's been the way it has been. This has been particuarly upsetting because people who I love very much have not talked to me as much or been around like I want them to because I have stood up for something I believe in. It's not as though standing up for something I believe in is something I have much trouble doing really.... When I believe in something, I am totally find standing for it. What has been heartbreaking to me is that I genuinly love these people and really, in the very least, I hold a deep desire to love all people. I hate watching people hurt. I hate watching people be confused. I hate people feelings alone. I hate watching pain. I hate when I see "Churchs" wound the very people they are called to love. I hate not being able to fix it.

I have a tendacy at times, one I know is not all together a possitive tendancy, to want to love, accept, protect and care for people. The only reason I say that is not all together possitive is because of Mark 12, when Jesus is asked what is the greatest commandment, He replies: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neigbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." I try desperatly to love people with everything I can, and sometimes, as much as I love God.... I fear that I place people first. I fear that I take from God what He wants: to fix, hold, care for, and love on His children. I do not mean to do this! I love God so very much, and I want to help people. However, just as when a person breaks their leg you are not supposed to move them due to making the situation worse, rather let professionals fix it. Sometimes I try to step in front of the pro here.

Now, sad as it is to say.... This is not written towards many of those in the church that I have met who. Those who talk a great deal about Jesus' love but can't rub two emotional or empithitc coins together for the life of them... Rather this is for those who love people but can sometimes forget, as I do, that the FIRST commandmant is love the Lord your God. If we do that, I believe the rest will fall into place. This is NOT to say to stop loving those around us, but when they become to overshadow Christ is our lives, that's when we need to look at some things. We can not believe that we can just take from God the items we need and then come back when we're empty again. We must be plugged in. We have no good in us but that which comes from God, and so we must stay plugged into Him and if we truley love Him, His fruit will grow naturally. Love God. Love people. We do a lot of talk about "Speaking the truth in love." And as my younger brother once so profoundly put it, we confuse speaking softly with speaking out of love. Sometimes love is harsh and sometimes love does not tell you what you want to here at all. But love covers, and protects, and holds, and bends, and bruises and still holds on at the very deepest part of our hearts. And sometimes, maybe people walk away. Maybe people get angry or upset. Maybe you feel alone, I know I do... But we have to place our faith and our trust in Christ, first and formost. Keep ourselves in check, and remember "It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying." It's not our goodness, but the goodness of Christ in us.

Things get very difficult and it gets very cold and dark out here in this shithole of a planet, but if there is one thing we must do, it is to hold tight to Christ and never, ever let go. Hold on and refuse to let go. Fight, scratch, kick, bite, wail, punch, and grab. Our walk as followers of Christ is not an event, it is a jouney (as my brother and friend in Christ always says) and we must press on toward the goal to win the prize for which Christ has called us (Phil. 3:14). We must never, ever give up. It is a struggle, it is a war, it is a FAITH and it is a HOPE. And we must never give up on that. Fight and love with everything you have got, but always remember first that we must kneel before Christ without fear or worry about what others around us may think because that is intamacy. "It's not 'If I believe in Love.' It's Love believes in me."'

"It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying. It's hard to be the better man.... When you're still lying."

"I Think I Talk To You Best When I Sing. I Sing About Almost Everything."

This is the best way I can think of to help you, provided you need it at present:

1.) These Days - Nico
2.) Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself? - Morrissey
3.) New York State Of Mind - Billy Joel
4.) Miss Misery  - Elliott Smith
5.) Land Locked Blues - Bright Eyes
6.) How To Disappear Completely - Radiohead
7.) Flatlands (Sprawl II) - Arcade Fire
8.) Against All Odds - Phil Collins
9.) That's How People Grow Up - Morrissey
10.) Don't Let Them See You Cry - Manchester Orchestra
11.) The World At Large - Modest Mouse
12.) Romeo And Juliet (Cover) - The Killers
13.) Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
14.) She - Elvis Costello
15.) Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
16.) Most Of The Time - Bob Dylan
17.) Never Tear Us Apart - INXS
18.) Oh My God - Jars Of Clay
19.) The River - Manchester Orchestra
20.) Transatlatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
21.) My Body Is A Cage - Arcade Fire

These Days...

These days I seem to be less and less aware of my emotions, or feelings rather. I have been asked "How are you doing? What's going on? How are you feeling? How is your heart?" a lot lately. It's gotten quite annoying, really. I know I shouldn't feel that way.... I'm very blessed to have friends who ask those questions. The problem is that I don't know how to answer it because I don't know the answer. I know I'm sad, and that I am confused. I know I am hurt and lonely. I know I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone's feelings. I know that I am feeling hopeless. I just don't know how to say any of that, and when people ask these questions either I don't want to talk to that person about the issue, or I just don't know how to express it at all. Not appropriate, maybe? I don't know. Then the very people who I feel I should be able to talk to the most don't seem to be getting it. I talked to one of my best friends about a lot of all this just a few minutes ago, and when I really did start to talk, all I got is a list of things I'm not doing well enough, and a list of people who I'm not looking out for like they would like me to. You can please all of the people some of the time and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all the time.

I know that it's likely no one reads this... I do not deceive myself enough to think this is breathtaking reading material, nor do I pretend that it is of any importance to anyone. I do confess, however that there are times I wonder if someone I know will find this and learn what it is that I'm thinking and feeling really. I don't seem to be able to say it to many people out loud; toning being a prime example of just this. Whatever the matter, it seems to help me to put it out there, and this is what I'm putting out there: I am lonely and angry and I can't seem to express it very well. Thank God for the wonder of music though, because with it I seem to be able to say exactly what it is that I wish to say. Lately when people ask me those questions about my ever elusive feelings, my response has been, both verbally and honestly, "I honestly have no idea as to how to answer that." Here's everything I mean to say:

I've been out walking, I don't do too much talking these days

These days, these days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do

And all the times I had the chance to

I stopped my rambling, I don't do too much gambling these days

These days, these days I seem to think about how all the changes came about my way 

And I wonder if I'll see another highway

I had a lover, I don't think I'll risk another these days 

These days. And if I seem to be afraid to live the life that I have made in song

It's just that I've been loosing so long

I stopped my dreaming, I won't do too much scheming these days

These days, these days I sit on corner stones 

And count the time in quarter tones to ten

Please don't confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them. 

Jack Shephard, King Peter, Mr Darcy, and me.

While searching around the internet due to boredom and slight depression due to prolonged exposure to reality, I started looking up fictional Enneagram characters. I like to look these up every so often, mostly because I believe that just as Christ gave parables, told stories to explain at greater length and depth what the Kingdom of God looks like, I believe that we can learn a great deal about ourselves from good fiction. I have learned more about true leadership from "Watership Down" than from any seminar I have attended on the matter. The issue at hand with these late-night google searches tends to be either 1.) No one talks at great length on the matter. 2.) No one seems to know what they are talking about. (Harry Potter is an Eight?) 


I by no means to reduce the Enneagram into a coffee-shop, afternoon tea discussion for those with a taste for pretense, nor to belittle it's importance in shining light upon our human condition... Rather, the opposite in fact. I believe that story tales matter deeply, and as G.K. Chesterton said, "Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." This having been said, I came across the following excerpt on Enneagram Type Ones: 


"Other fictional examples of type One include Mr. Spock, who is sometimes mistaken for a Five, Dostoevsky's Grand Inquisitor, Aragorn, from the Tolkien trilogy, and King Peter from the Narnia chronicles, whose creator, C.S. Lewis was also a One. And, Mr. Darcy from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy describes his character in these terms:"I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding, certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever...There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."" 


It made me quite happy, not only that I found this because being a Type One myself, my reasoning for this search was to feel less alone, which is a large reason as to why I read fiction in the first place. This managed to list a great deal of my favorite fictional characters (As well as a real person of whom, as far as human beings go, I hold in highest respect) and managed to do so with intelligence. That being said, If by chance anyone out there comes across this and happens to know the Enneagram, I would love some insight into my thoughts on this. I have put quite an amount of thought into the fictional characters I have been able to type, all the same I will say that I often tend to not believe that characters I respect and love are Ones. This is not because I find myself to be bad at this, forgive me, but I think I am rather good at it really... It has to do with a poor reflection I hold to my self and by extension, Ones in general I believe. Without any further babbling, my thoughts are as follows: 


I love that they placed Mr. Spock in there, because while he does look a great deal like a Five, I do believe he is a One, and for that matter one of the better written Ones. It is important when looking at these things to look at motives, intent, reasoning, and background into why a character does what he or she does as opposed to just the demeanor of a character. I think that goes against the exact purpose of such an exercise. Aragorn I can agree with due to his fear of failing to do what is right and good; Aragorn has a great fear of following the sins of his fathers. While any Type can feel this way, I think that with an understanding that they are fictional characters, this is a good example. King Peter, now all I can say is that he is hands down the character in Narnia I relate most with... I do not know about C.S. Lewis though. Lewis has always seemed more like Type Five to me. I think that may cause some of my doubt on that subject. Now, Mr. Darcy.... There is a great compliment and a compelling argument for a Type One. I love Mr. Darcy, so it's a great compliment that anyone would view him in that manner and I must say that is a very respectful case they made. Made my night a little bit. 


Other Ones that I have found personally to be rather strong representations of at least respectable Ones are Jack Shephard from LOST, Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird, Hazel from Watership Down, Hermione Granger and Professor Mcgonagall from Harry Potter, Rabbit from Winnie The Pooh; Sister Aloysius from Doubt, Jefferson Smith from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Dan from Dan In Real Life, Optimus Prime, and Captain America. Some examples of terrible Ones that I want to jump into the screen/pages and stranger (from bad to worse) would be Felix Unger from The Odd Couple, Percy Weasley and Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter, and Nurse Ratchet from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. There is a lot of sufficent evidence of Albus Dumbledore being a One, however that would be so much wisdom and greatness given to one number that I dare not jump to that conclusion without thinking a bit more. However, whatever he is, I think he is a wonderful example as to what any number would want to look like in that he is quite well rounded. That, I pray, will come with age.


And now, I will do what I've been avoiding for hours and sleep. Goodnight and Godbless.

I Have a Lion Patronus.

As of late, I've been really down. I feel like an emotional wreck that acts like a Robot, and for a while the feelings did not compute so to speak. It's still difficult when people ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay, because I know full well that the answer is no, I'm not. But if someone asks me how I am feeling, I honestly have had no idea as to how to answer that. Really I still don't. But whatever it is that seems to be grabbing me seems to be slowly dragging me back to it's lair.

I know that it has to do with a somebody that I used to know [Thank you Elliott Smith]. I want to know what they think of LOST, I don't want to be upset at you for everything. I wanted, however long or short a time ago, for us to be able to live life together... However, that is no longer the place we sit and that is not now, nor had it really ever been a choice that I have made. Yet, I suffer it all the same, and so for you to contact me for any reason after you have done what you have done to me time and time again for the past half of a decade, is not fair. Not to mention that provided you are going to contact me, please don't fish for what you want to know/hear with bait you know I want to chomp at. Rather, say the thing. People need to tell one-another how they feel. Hypocritical as that statement may be, coming from the emotional robot, I still believe it. And I guess what I'm saying is more if you're going to come to somebody because you want to talk about something or say something in particular, then say that thing. This whole "Let-me-try-and-beat-around-and-play-cat-and-mouse-tell-you-string-the-correct-words-together-to-form-the-specific-sentence-to-pose-the-question-I-want-you-to-ask-so-that-I-will-then-answer-it," crap is driving me absolutely crazy. Point being here I am finding yet again that like it or not, Fittzgerald seems to have had a it correct.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne bak ceaselessly into the past."

I have to go back to work tonight for the first night since one of my co-workers is laying in a hospital bed, having nearly ben stabbed to death by another of my co-workers who is sitting in jain for what I assume will be some time. I don't know the whole story. I know that it involves a fight, a bar, years of poor choices, and a great deal of alcohol. It breaks my heart and to this moment, I don't know what to do with all of that. How to feel. I have talked to both of these guys at work, and outside of work once or twice. They lived together, so I had been over their house helping them do yard work one day. I had talked to them about God and love and hoped that something sank in. Hoped that in someway, I showed them Christ. Now I'm praying a whole lot more for the two of them. Then, on a far lesser note of seriousness, I am dealing with house drama, and trying to figure out just how to tell an old friend that us hanging out just isn't making sense anymore. That he is too loud, obnoxious, rude, selfish, and offensive to everyone we know. I don't know how to handle that and the situation as a whole just makes me very sad. I love this guy a whole lot, I really do. I worry about him, I care about his feelings, yet he will not change and he's now gone to the point of hurting me on a personal level. He won't stop and frankly, as much as I love him.... He's just not the type of person I want to hang around a ton. I am torn up about this.

I asked a few people who I am quite close to what it is that they think my patronus would be, provided such things were real (And how I wish they were). They all said Lion. Not to sound arrogant, self-righteous, or conceded, but I agree. I must say that Lions do mean a ton to me in many ways; my favorite movie is about a Lion, I do love Lions, and my savior is described as a Lion in the Bible, as well as written as on in C.S. Lewis' Narnia. I have a stone Lion outside my house, I have a stuffed Simba in my room, and I have a Lion patronus. For anyone who doesn't know (and supposing that someone is even reading this) "Patronus" means "Protector" in Latin. A patronus is what is used in Harry Potter as an attack to defend one's self against Dementors. Dementors are terrible creatures that have the ability to suck one's soul out of his or her body. Their presents feeds on happy emotions until it removes them, leaving you feeling hopeless and numb. They do not make you sad, as being sad is not as a whole, a bad thing... What they do, is they take away any happiness, or far more worse, joy form you. They take away any good feelings or memories that you have and leave you feeling numb and without any hope that any joy will return. They stick you in a state of emotional and really, spiritual imprisonment and leave you with only your worse memories.

To produce a patronus, you must think of the happiest, most powerful memory you have and focus on it and allow it to consume you. Then, with some words and a flick of that wand, you can produce a silvery white substance that will defend you against the dark. THIS is the only attack that can fend off a Dementor. And it doesn't just defend you, mind you.... It chases them far, far away. It saves you.

I have been feeling surrounded by Dementors lately, and I know what that feeling is; I know it's spiritual attack. Must respect to Miss Rowling for being able to describe so well what that can feel like. I've felt it quite a few times for a relatively young life and it's terrible. The truth is that we cannot combat this on our own. And the truth is that as cool as wands and magic, and patronus' are, they are not real... Not in the sense that stories present them at least. What is real, is something, someone far greater than any of us. And I thank God that he has given us Christ so that we are protected. We are vindicated and defended. And as Lewis writes of the great Lion, Aslan: "He is not safe, but He is good."

I know things are tough, and that this world is a terrible place, but I also know that this comes with the territory. I know that if you want to fight for what is good, and nobel, and pure, and right, that evil will attack very hard. And this is the defense we have been provided with: The blood of Christ. I encourage anyone who reads this to know that I you are not alone, that you have a protector, even when it seems rough. And when it seems rough, it's because we are in such a broken world because we as a whole, have rejected Christ. I want you to know that He is there, that I am with you in these trenches, and that God wins. I will be praying for whoever reads this, and I mean that. And Christ knows, I could use prayers too if you have the time.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - ROMANS 8:38-39

EXPECTO-PATRONUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am the only one that thinks I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do.

So, I created this blog for a few reasons. My tendency to be curious for one thing. I think it's also nice for me to place something out there to get it out. Things of this nature usually find themselves in my drafts mailbox, this way it's actually there and someone has the ability to see it. I confess that I wonder who will find this, seeing as though I have started this blog without telling my family or friends that I have done so. Wondering if anyone is out looking for my thoughts or feelings - supposing that they surface in this bout.

It's been rather difficult for me to cope with "Reality" as of late. Reality as we see it, I suppose. Reality as in a good desk job, a proper housing situation, and a wedding complete with the icing on the cake. All that sounds nice and I'd be a liar to say that I didn't want that. I'm either too lazy, too stubborn, or too hopeful to chase the rabbits that lead down those roads; honestly I'm not sure which of those three it is anymore. Whatever the case might be, it's left me very confused, very upset, very lonely; very angry, and very closed off lately. I feel like a robot half the time, but I know I feel things, because these "feelings" blast out of me like lasers every now and then these days. I feel very bad about it too. I'm not sure where it come from, but all the same it comes. Someone asked me how I was doing today and I honestly do not know how to answer that question. I feel angry for even being asked it in the first place.... Like they should be able to tell how I'm feeling, yet I cannot articulate it at all. I know I'm sad and lonely. And I know that I don't try hard enough. For one thing, I don't give God anything near the attention He so greatly deserves... And frankly, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel like I need to fix everything, but I can't even fix myself. As I write this, I'm realizing that I need to spend more time on my knees with Him. I'm also realizing that I'm afraid of Him in a way that I know He does not want me to fear Him. I don't believe so at least.

I know that my lack of having an actual "Father figure" greatly effects all of this. It makes my relationship with God feel very conditional and I feel rather lost in the world without any "grown up" to turn to, most of the time. It also strikes me every so often that my past relationships hurt me and wear on me a lot. This usually strikes me when I'm convinced that they are actually behind me. One in particular with a girl who I was absolutely convinced that I would marry. One that I believed was the one and only. She manages to find ways to sneak up on me all the time. It's not just her either, to be fair I have never been in a relationship in which honesty was a top priority for the lady involved. I tend to place a lot of hope and trust in many places that prove very much the opposite.

I don't say any of this to complain or whine or moan. I don't say any of this to make anyone feel sorry for me. Honestly, I doubt that this will even be read by anyone. Someone may start to read it, but I really don't have anything interesting to say-not at this juncture at the very least. I say it because I know if I don't start using this blog than the whole point of making it is mute, so I need to start somewhere. I say it because I need to say these things and try to re-emotionally educate myself. I say it to try and give myself something that even slightly moves to perspective. And provided you do read this, I am sorry that I am not more witty, comical, and interesting. Provided we had met under different circumstances, I believe that I would have worked very hard to be all these things as well as accommodating, kind, and loving. It's just that, at this present time, I am neither able to articulate my deeper feelings to myself, let alone anyone else, yet I can't just smile and say whatever it is I say to try and make everyone feel at home. This places us somewhere mid journey. All the same, I thank you for reading and caring even just a little bit....  I will work harder to say things that make more sense. Until such a time as this, I leave me with this verse, Christ knows I need it... And maybe it will help you out

"For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"
-2 Tim 1:7

Goodnight, dear void.