So, I created this blog for a few reasons. My tendency to be curious for one thing. I think it's also nice for me to place something out there to get it out. Things of this nature usually find themselves in my drafts mailbox, this way it's actually there and someone has the ability to see it. I confess that I wonder who will find this, seeing as though I have started this blog without telling my family or friends that I have done so. Wondering if anyone is out looking for my thoughts or feelings - supposing that they surface in this bout.
It's been rather difficult for me to cope with "Reality" as of late. Reality as we see it, I suppose. Reality as in a good desk job, a proper housing situation, and a wedding complete with the icing on the cake. All that sounds nice and I'd be a liar to say that I didn't want that. I'm either too lazy, too stubborn, or too hopeful to chase the rabbits that lead down those roads; honestly I'm not sure which of those three it is anymore. Whatever the case might be, it's left me very confused, very upset, very lonely; very angry, and very closed off lately. I feel like a robot half the time, but I know I feel things, because these "feelings" blast out of me like lasers every now and then these days. I feel very bad about it too. I'm not sure where it come from, but all the same it comes. Someone asked me how I was doing today and I honestly do not know how to answer that question. I feel angry for even being asked it in the first place.... Like they should be able to tell how I'm feeling, yet I cannot articulate it at all. I know I'm sad and lonely. And I know that I don't try hard enough. For one thing, I don't give God anything near the attention He so greatly deserves... And frankly, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel like I need to fix everything, but I can't even fix myself. As I write this, I'm realizing that I need to spend more time on my knees with Him. I'm also realizing that I'm afraid of Him in a way that I know He does not want me to fear Him. I don't believe so at least.
I know that my lack of having an actual "Father figure" greatly effects all of this. It makes my relationship with God feel very conditional and I feel rather lost in the world without any "grown up" to turn to, most of the time. It also strikes me every so often that my past relationships hurt me and wear on me a lot. This usually strikes me when I'm convinced that they are actually behind me. One in particular with a girl who I was absolutely convinced that I would marry. One that I believed was the one and only. She manages to find ways to sneak up on me all the time. It's not just her either, to be fair I have never been in a relationship in which honesty was a top priority for the lady involved. I tend to place a lot of hope and trust in many places that prove very much the opposite.
I don't say any of this to complain or whine or moan. I don't say any of this to make anyone feel sorry for me. Honestly, I doubt that this will even be read by anyone. Someone may start to read it, but I really don't have anything interesting to say-not at this juncture at the very least. I say it because I know if I don't start using this blog than the whole point of making it is mute, so I need to start somewhere. I say it because I need to say these things and try to re-emotionally educate myself. I say it to try and give myself something that even slightly moves to perspective. And provided you do read this, I am sorry that I am not more witty, comical, and interesting. Provided we had met under different circumstances, I believe that I would have worked very hard to be all these things as well as accommodating, kind, and loving. It's just that, at this present time, I am neither able to articulate my deeper feelings to myself, let alone anyone else, yet I can't just smile and say whatever it is I say to try and make everyone feel at home. This places us somewhere mid journey. All the same, I thank you for reading and caring even just a little bit.... I will work harder to say things that make more sense. Until such a time as this, I leave me with this verse, Christ knows I need it... And maybe it will help you out
"For God hath not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"
-2 Tim 1:7
Goodnight, dear void.
