Regaurding Anne Frank

We've been talking a good deal about Anne Frank as of lately. This sparked up primarily because my good friend, Josh has just read her diary. A lot of discussion about personality type and perspective came up as it often does. We all have been talking about what an amazing and beautiful young mind she was and how wise beyond her years she was. It's really astonishing and I have to say though, that in reading the things she has written down, it really takes me back quite a bit to feel her heart so strongly through her writing... And honestly, I understand her quite a good deal. By this, I by no means am comparing the life I live as a server at a restaurant who lives in a house surrounded with people whom I love greatly and who I believe at the very least find me tolerable to her life and the tragedy and horror that surrounded it. Rather, I mean her outlook is firstly inspiring and second something I find myself thinking quite a substantial amount of time.

One of the things I catch myself saying, thinking, and feeling is my desire to feel heard and understood. And anyone who knows me would probably find that somewhat stupid considering that I stand up for what I believe, speak my mind and can even be quite challenging and correcting (Not all together a "Good" thing). But in the midst of my quest for what is right, I feel very much and very often that my thoughts do not get through. In my attempts to do what is right, I fear my deep desire to do what is right and to care for and love others gets overseen. In my strict and blunt defense, I do not feel that it is seen how much I just want to make everyone happy and safe. Behind my strength, softness. Behind my smile, pain. Behind my will to fight, loneliness. Behind my standing firm, my hurt and sadness.

And in all of the things I have read and with all the things I admire in Anne Frank, over her wit and intelligence, wisdom and insight, what has stuck out to me most are the things I thought as a child. Often. About never knowing when your parents wanting you to be serious or to joke (To this day, I still feel like I always guess that wrong.) How she longed to have authentic friendships and to be authentic with people; to be honest. Her notice of the need for love and for joy. (I think that provided people would ask and listen to me more, they would find that this is one of the strongest of my desires. To have fun and to love and be free). That she refused to back off of her standards, despite how unrealistic they may seem. And perhaps most of all.... Her strong belief that people had good in them. The idea that you should not give up on people.

This is quite rushed, because my laptop is dying... But I just want to scream sometimes I feel so much and so little can really show in my day to day life. So this is me saying, I understand the want you think, Anne Frank. And for anyone who understands how I think, I've got your back. You're not crazy, and if you are you are most certainly not alone. And for anyone who knows someone like me. You would be surprised what you'd learn if you'd get down to the heart and reason of things.

God bless. Good night.

Before You Go, Can You Read My Mind?

When I was a kid I loved movies. It started with Disney's "Cinderella" and Dr. Suess' "How The Grinch Stole Christmas." It went on to be the Transformers movie and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other movie adaptations of cartoons I loved. Then came The Princess Bride, Watership Down, Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Back To The Future. Then, when I was at my Uncle's house it really started to grow... I got to see Terminator 2: Judgement Day, tons of comedies and Jaws. I started to watch all the movies I could get a hold of or tape off of television. Con-Air, Air Force One, and one particular moment when my mom let me watch Twister which I had wanted to see with her in theaters but wasn't allowed. And so on and so forth. And then there is music, it was Christian rock for me for a while. DC Talk and the Newsboys and things my Mother liked, like Barry Manilo and Michael Bolton. I was, however surruonded by a lot of 80's music as I grew up around the houses and family members I did and that is what really started to form my first "Tatse" in music. Hall and Oats, Blondie, Eurythimics, Phil Collins; George Michael, Huey Lewis and The News, and of course "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler and "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo,

All that being a little bit of backgroud for the understanding that when I talk about music and film it's something I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about it because I love stories, characters, and meaning. While I love comidies, it's doubtful you will find many if any at all on my favorite movies of all time list. (This does exclude wondersful comidies with depth such as The Princess Bride, Juno, or most things John Hughes wrote or anything that Wes Anderson has created.) Music tells a story and in music you just say how you feel. These ideas are very, very important to me. I seek to understand people and hear and understand where they are coming from. I believe telling a story is far more effective than providing the basic inromation which you are to imply. I feel like Jesus and His Father must feel the same way, seeing as how Jesus always said "The Kingdom of Heaven is like, (Insert story). And the Bible is full of them, so all that being the case, He must think that we can learn more through an experience than a lesson. I believe film (and of course, litterature) can do this. And then music allows you to say what you want and it doesn't matter if it's angry or mad or sad because you're singing it. And the really great singers sing it like they mean it, and when that happens, it can be the best stuff. 

I always liked it when singers yelled their lyrics. When Bonnie Tyler belts out "Love is like a shadow on me all of the time!" Or Phil Collins: "Take a look at me now. I'll still be standing here!" it gets to you. Or even the beautiful voice and lyrics that are sang with a upbeat tune from The Cure's Robert Smith. "Daylight wiped me inti shape. I must have been asleep for days. I moved my lips to breath her name and opened up my eyes and found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea, that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me." Those are some of the most beautiful and hearbreaking words I have ever heard sung. And it's okay. And feelings being okay is something I believe in very much for most everyone but myself. So I need to sing. I need it. And I believe considering 150 Psalms made the cut into the Bible including some that talk about how God has left David alone with his enemies surronding him.... I think that also says some wonderful things about our God. Not only that he likes music, but that it's okay to have feelings... Even the big scary, angry tearful ones.

I really didn't plan on going into all that. I was thinking of a song that I remember feeling so much at one point in my life and that caused me to think of how thankful I am for the work of Brandon Flowers and the band The Killers. He's one of those people who I would just love to sit down and talk to because I feel as though we would agree on a whole lot of things. Then it wound up into this little rant about how very much these things mean to me and why. Provided you read this far, thanks for listening to my story and feelings about stories and feelings. 

I hope you enjoy this and maybe you will feel this deep and pure inside your heart like I have and I suppose on some level, still do. God bless. 

It's not "If I believe in Love." It's "Love believes in me."

I have found myself in mild conflict with others as of late, mostly for my desire to stand on the Word of God as use it as my foundation. That may not be the way that people would put it, but it's been the way it has been. This has been particuarly upsetting because people who I love very much have not talked to me as much or been around like I want them to because I have stood up for something I believe in. It's not as though standing up for something I believe in is something I have much trouble doing really.... When I believe in something, I am totally find standing for it. What has been heartbreaking to me is that I genuinly love these people and really, in the very least, I hold a deep desire to love all people. I hate watching people hurt. I hate watching people be confused. I hate people feelings alone. I hate watching pain. I hate when I see "Churchs" wound the very people they are called to love. I hate not being able to fix it.

I have a tendacy at times, one I know is not all together a possitive tendancy, to want to love, accept, protect and care for people. The only reason I say that is not all together possitive is because of Mark 12, when Jesus is asked what is the greatest commandment, He replies: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neigbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." I try desperatly to love people with everything I can, and sometimes, as much as I love God.... I fear that I place people first. I fear that I take from God what He wants: to fix, hold, care for, and love on His children. I do not mean to do this! I love God so very much, and I want to help people. However, just as when a person breaks their leg you are not supposed to move them due to making the situation worse, rather let professionals fix it. Sometimes I try to step in front of the pro here.

Now, sad as it is to say.... This is not written towards many of those in the church that I have met who. Those who talk a great deal about Jesus' love but can't rub two emotional or empithitc coins together for the life of them... Rather this is for those who love people but can sometimes forget, as I do, that the FIRST commandmant is love the Lord your God. If we do that, I believe the rest will fall into place. This is NOT to say to stop loving those around us, but when they become to overshadow Christ is our lives, that's when we need to look at some things. We can not believe that we can just take from God the items we need and then come back when we're empty again. We must be plugged in. We have no good in us but that which comes from God, and so we must stay plugged into Him and if we truley love Him, His fruit will grow naturally. Love God. Love people. We do a lot of talk about "Speaking the truth in love." And as my younger brother once so profoundly put it, we confuse speaking softly with speaking out of love. Sometimes love is harsh and sometimes love does not tell you what you want to here at all. But love covers, and protects, and holds, and bends, and bruises and still holds on at the very deepest part of our hearts. And sometimes, maybe people walk away. Maybe people get angry or upset. Maybe you feel alone, I know I do... But we have to place our faith and our trust in Christ, first and formost. Keep ourselves in check, and remember "It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying." It's not our goodness, but the goodness of Christ in us.

Things get very difficult and it gets very cold and dark out here in this shithole of a planet, but if there is one thing we must do, it is to hold tight to Christ and never, ever let go. Hold on and refuse to let go. Fight, scratch, kick, bite, wail, punch, and grab. Our walk as followers of Christ is not an event, it is a jouney (as my brother and friend in Christ always says) and we must press on toward the goal to win the prize for which Christ has called us (Phil. 3:14). We must never, ever give up. It is a struggle, it is a war, it is a FAITH and it is a HOPE. And we must never give up on that. Fight and love with everything you have got, but always remember first that we must kneel before Christ without fear or worry about what others around us may think because that is intamacy. "It's not 'If I believe in Love.' It's Love believes in me."'