So, I'm really angry. It's upsetting because I feel like I have little to no outlet for what I feel so it builds up within my chest and I just think of mean things and I want to yell and break something. I've decided that when I have a house of my own, I am going to designate one corner of the back yard to be the "Sean's Angry Corner" (We're still working on the name). It's really quite interesting to me, because for a long, long time I did not consider myself to be an angry person. It's only been the last couple of years that I've identified the anger. For me, I press down on feelings I have that I see as wrong or upsetting or especially hurtful towards others... That's the last thing I want to do, is hurt other people. The problem is that I confuse those three things and they should not be confused.
When I was young, I grew up around people who treated one another very badly out of their anger and it was something I never, ever wanted to do. I think that in this, I associated anger with with poor situation management, and by extension, "Bad." So once you break all that down from it's many parts to just one view that view becomes Simple.
Being angry = Being bad
Now, my desire to not want to be anything like the people who hurt others in their anger, I pressed it all down. I told myself never to behave "Badly" and that included never allowing myself to get angry. I would tell people I was sad, or hurt, or depressed... Which was not untrue, but in that I also became angry. I just did not recognize it, but rather dismiss it and it wound up pressing right back until times when I would say hurtful things and I could not figure out for the life of be why that would happen. Where would my mean words come from? I didn't want to upset or hurt anyone, so why would I act like an asshole all of the sudden? And I knew why, I knew it was because I got tired or being treated poorly, or being hurt or walked on and so finally I would not be able to take it anymore. And it was in this a few years ago that I was reminded by the verse Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry, but sin not...." Anger is natural and maybe even healthy, There is even talk of "Righteous Anger" or a "Holy Discontent." God gets angry, and God is all good. Anger is not the issue, it's what you do with that anger that can become the problem. Despite my natural instinct to press down my anger, I try to find ways to say I'm angry rather than ignoring it, and learning all of this has been huge for me. Please excuse the following rant of my anger in a more healthy form.
I have been more hurt by more friends in the last few months than maybe any other previous time in my life. I'm trying not to be, but I've just been hurt and betrayed by so many people I never thought I'd have to worry about doing such. And what's confusing, is when I recap, I know that there's nothing I can do because any miscommunication we may have had that I caused, I have cleared up... I've tried to be soft, then nice, then firm, then mean, they just explain how sad I was and here we are.... Nothing I am doing is fixing this or letting these people know what I so desperately wish they would get: I love my friends and I always want to do what's right where they are concerned... And yet I get lied to, betrayed and left by people I honestly thought I would have forever. And I know "These things happen" and "Now is not forever" but, damn it I'm just so brokenhearted and I don't know what else to say. I've said the truth and I suppose that's all I have. And so now I'm trying to fight the anger, but stop fighting the anger, but make sure that I don't sin in the anger, but still feeling and letting out the anger and it's all just making me very angry.
"Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back, so lets end this call and end this conversation. Is that what you call a getaway? Well, tell me what you got away with cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you said, 'Best friends means friends forever.' Is that what you call a getaway? Well tell me what you got away with, cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish. I've seen more guts in 11 year old kids..."
And for now, I will be thankful for what I do have... For the friends who stick up for me and know my heart. For my friends who shut down the lies when they hear them. For my friends who get angry that I'm sad. And it is so hard because I care so deeply.... These people mean the world to me and I honestly want to help these people and fix these situations. It hurts so bad, and that's why I'm so angry. However, I know that I also need to learn to let go... To stop trying to fix everything all the time. I know that, but it's just so hard when you honestly genuinely care about the people you have to let go of. For now, I have to try and surrender the situation(s) to God. I'm sure He's got it.
And I do hope that these people will wake up and see what they are doing. See that I am here and I'm trying to do what's right. I hope that they miss me and know that I love them... I hope they find out. Until then, I have to side with Steven Morrissey on the matter....
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ReplyDeleteI know in my own life, when someone is upset with me that I care about, its all I can see. I go to bed sick; I wake up sick, and through all that the scores of other people that love me seem to fade away into the edges of my vision. The fact a friend is upset with tears me up so much that its all I can see. This is even worse when you remember that I often perceive small gestures or random expressions, or silence, to mean I've done something to offend them, so then I'm up all night so that I can fix it as soon as they wake up, only to find out there was nothing ever wrong in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is, when the loneliness and hurt starts to overwhelm you, remember whom you've got in your corner, and once you come to either a place of restoration or closure and moving past the bad relationships, remember all the people who love and respect you, and even at times need you. Run towards those people and let God take care of the rest, knowing you've tried.
I've never been betrayed by anyone, because I'm too guarded to let just anyone in that deep. I play it safe. On the one side, I'm never hurt too badly, cause I tend to see it coming before it happens, and ditch the relationship; on the other, I know I miss out on a lot of beautiful friendships because I'm too cautious to let people know I have feelings and love inside that they could damage.
You give so freely, and thats a beautiful thing. Don't let these things jade you, rather love more intensely those around you. Keep letting people in, its a gift, you know. I don't think I'll ever have it, but you do, and even though you may suffer occasionally because of your openness, I think the benefits probably are worth it. You are loved by so many people, and the ones that don't are threatened by that.
I've always got your back. I may not force myself into situations without being invited, but the second you call, I'm there. Period. But I think you already know this, but just in case you don't, now you do.
Sean, you are my brother and I love you.
So do many others...