I Have a Lion Patronus.

As of late, I've been really down. I feel like an emotional wreck that acts like a Robot, and for a while the feelings did not compute so to speak. It's still difficult when people ask me what's wrong or if I'm okay, because I know full well that the answer is no, I'm not. But if someone asks me how I am feeling, I honestly have had no idea as to how to answer that. Really I still don't. But whatever it is that seems to be grabbing me seems to be slowly dragging me back to it's lair.

I know that it has to do with a somebody that I used to know [Thank you Elliott Smith]. I want to know what they think of LOST, I don't want to be upset at you for everything. I wanted, however long or short a time ago, for us to be able to live life together... However, that is no longer the place we sit and that is not now, nor had it really ever been a choice that I have made. Yet, I suffer it all the same, and so for you to contact me for any reason after you have done what you have done to me time and time again for the past half of a decade, is not fair. Not to mention that provided you are going to contact me, please don't fish for what you want to know/hear with bait you know I want to chomp at. Rather, say the thing. People need to tell one-another how they feel. Hypocritical as that statement may be, coming from the emotional robot, I still believe it. And I guess what I'm saying is more if you're going to come to somebody because you want to talk about something or say something in particular, then say that thing. This whole "Let-me-try-and-beat-around-and-play-cat-and-mouse-tell-you-string-the-correct-words-together-to-form-the-specific-sentence-to-pose-the-question-I-want-you-to-ask-so-that-I-will-then-answer-it," crap is driving me absolutely crazy. Point being here I am finding yet again that like it or not, Fittzgerald seems to have had a it correct.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne bak ceaselessly into the past."

I have to go back to work tonight for the first night since one of my co-workers is laying in a hospital bed, having nearly ben stabbed to death by another of my co-workers who is sitting in jain for what I assume will be some time. I don't know the whole story. I know that it involves a fight, a bar, years of poor choices, and a great deal of alcohol. It breaks my heart and to this moment, I don't know what to do with all of that. How to feel. I have talked to both of these guys at work, and outside of work once or twice. They lived together, so I had been over their house helping them do yard work one day. I had talked to them about God and love and hoped that something sank in. Hoped that in someway, I showed them Christ. Now I'm praying a whole lot more for the two of them. Then, on a far lesser note of seriousness, I am dealing with house drama, and trying to figure out just how to tell an old friend that us hanging out just isn't making sense anymore. That he is too loud, obnoxious, rude, selfish, and offensive to everyone we know. I don't know how to handle that and the situation as a whole just makes me very sad. I love this guy a whole lot, I really do. I worry about him, I care about his feelings, yet he will not change and he's now gone to the point of hurting me on a personal level. He won't stop and frankly, as much as I love him.... He's just not the type of person I want to hang around a ton. I am torn up about this.

I asked a few people who I am quite close to what it is that they think my patronus would be, provided such things were real (And how I wish they were). They all said Lion. Not to sound arrogant, self-righteous, or conceded, but I agree. I must say that Lions do mean a ton to me in many ways; my favorite movie is about a Lion, I do love Lions, and my savior is described as a Lion in the Bible, as well as written as on in C.S. Lewis' Narnia. I have a stone Lion outside my house, I have a stuffed Simba in my room, and I have a Lion patronus. For anyone who doesn't know (and supposing that someone is even reading this) "Patronus" means "Protector" in Latin. A patronus is what is used in Harry Potter as an attack to defend one's self against Dementors. Dementors are terrible creatures that have the ability to suck one's soul out of his or her body. Their presents feeds on happy emotions until it removes them, leaving you feeling hopeless and numb. They do not make you sad, as being sad is not as a whole, a bad thing... What they do, is they take away any happiness, or far more worse, joy form you. They take away any good feelings or memories that you have and leave you feeling numb and without any hope that any joy will return. They stick you in a state of emotional and really, spiritual imprisonment and leave you with only your worse memories.

To produce a patronus, you must think of the happiest, most powerful memory you have and focus on it and allow it to consume you. Then, with some words and a flick of that wand, you can produce a silvery white substance that will defend you against the dark. THIS is the only attack that can fend off a Dementor. And it doesn't just defend you, mind you.... It chases them far, far away. It saves you.

I have been feeling surrounded by Dementors lately, and I know what that feeling is; I know it's spiritual attack. Must respect to Miss Rowling for being able to describe so well what that can feel like. I've felt it quite a few times for a relatively young life and it's terrible. The truth is that we cannot combat this on our own. And the truth is that as cool as wands and magic, and patronus' are, they are not real... Not in the sense that stories present them at least. What is real, is something, someone far greater than any of us. And I thank God that he has given us Christ so that we are protected. We are vindicated and defended. And as Lewis writes of the great Lion, Aslan: "He is not safe, but He is good."

I know things are tough, and that this world is a terrible place, but I also know that this comes with the territory. I know that if you want to fight for what is good, and nobel, and pure, and right, that evil will attack very hard. And this is the defense we have been provided with: The blood of Christ. I encourage anyone who reads this to know that I you are not alone, that you have a protector, even when it seems rough. And when it seems rough, it's because we are in such a broken world because we as a whole, have rejected Christ. I want you to know that He is there, that I am with you in these trenches, and that God wins. I will be praying for whoever reads this, and I mean that. And Christ knows, I could use prayers too if you have the time.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - ROMANS 8:38-39

EXPECTO-PATRONUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!