Writers drink. Good writers drink and bad writers drink. Some of the great writers even drank themselves to death. And some of the poor writers probably did too.  Me? I don't drink. For that matter I don't write often enough.

Letting Go...

How?

The Lovers, The Dreamers And Me...

I am so thankful to Kermit the Frog for reminding me through joy or sadness; struggle, trouble, problems, or pain; joy, laughter, and happiness... In tough and easy times, that there's still hope. There is still more to all of this. In this, we press on... 

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me. 

Is it in you now....

"If" by Rudyard Kipling 

"Sowing Season (Yeah)" by Brand New 

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If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Like you say you do?

A man in the park read the lines on my hands, told me I'm strong; hardly ever wrong. I said, "Man, you're mean."

You had plans for both of us that involved a trip out of town to a place I've seen in a magazine that you left lying around. I don't have you with me, but I keep a good attitude. Do you miss me, Miss Misery like you say you do?

To vanish into oblivion is easy to do. And I try to be, but you know me... I come back when you want me to. Do you miss me, Miss Misery? Like you say you do?

Sick down to my heart, but that's just the way it goes...

So, I'm really angry. It's upsetting because I feel like I have little to no outlet for what I feel so it builds up within my chest and I just think of mean things and I want to yell and break something. I've decided that when I have a house of my own, I am going to designate one corner of the back yard to be the "Sean's Angry Corner" (We're still working on the name). It's really quite interesting to me, because for a long, long time I did not consider myself to be an angry person. It's only been the last couple of years that I've identified the anger. For me, I press down on feelings I have that I see as wrong or upsetting or especially hurtful towards others... That's the last thing I want to do, is hurt other people. The problem is that I confuse those three things and they should not be confused.

When I was young, I grew up around people who treated one another very badly out of their anger and it was something I never, ever wanted to do. I think that in this, I associated anger with with poor situation management, and by extension, "Bad." So once you break all that down from it's many parts to just one view that view becomes Simple.

Being angry = Being bad

Now, my desire to not want to be anything like the people who hurt others in their anger, I pressed it all down. I told myself never to behave "Badly" and that included never allowing myself to get angry. I would tell people I was sad, or hurt, or depressed... Which was not untrue, but in that I also became angry. I just did not recognize it, but rather dismiss it and it wound up pressing right back until times when I would say hurtful things and I could not figure out for the life of be why that would happen. Where would my mean words come from? I didn't want to upset or hurt anyone, so why would I act like an asshole all of the sudden? And I knew why, I knew it was because I got tired or being treated poorly, or being hurt or walked on and so finally I would not be able to take it anymore. And it was in this a few years ago that I was reminded by the verse Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry, but sin not...." Anger is natural and maybe even healthy, There is even talk of "Righteous Anger" or a "Holy Discontent." God gets angry, and God is all good. Anger is not the issue, it's what you do with that anger that can become the problem. Despite my natural instinct to press down my anger, I try to find ways to say I'm angry rather than ignoring it, and learning all of this has been huge for me. Please excuse the following rant of my anger in a more healthy form.

I have been more hurt by more friends in the last few months than maybe any other previous time in my life. I'm trying not to be, but I've just been hurt and betrayed by so many people I never thought I'd have to worry about doing such. And what's confusing, is when I recap, I know that there's nothing I can do because any miscommunication we may have had that I caused, I have cleared up... I've tried to be soft, then nice, then firm, then mean, they just explain how sad I was and here we are.... Nothing I am doing is fixing this or letting these people know what I so desperately wish they would get: I love my friends and I always want to do what's right where they are concerned... And yet I get lied to, betrayed and left by people I honestly thought I would have forever. And I know "These things happen" and "Now is not forever" but, damn it I'm just so brokenhearted and I don't know what else to say. I've said the truth and I suppose that's all I have. And so now I'm trying to fight the anger, but stop fighting the anger, but make sure that I don't sin in the anger, but still feeling and letting out the anger and it's all just making me very angry.

"Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back, so lets end this call and end this conversation. Is that what you call a getaway? Well, tell me what you got away with cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you said, 'Best friends means friends forever.' Is that what you call a getaway? Well tell me what you got away with, cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish. I've seen more guts in 11 year old kids..."

And for now, I will be thankful for what I do have... For the friends who stick up for me and know my heart. For my friends who shut down the lies when they hear them. For my friends who get angry that I'm sad. And it is so hard because I care so deeply.... These people mean the world to me and I honestly want to help these people and fix these situations. It hurts so bad, and that's why I'm so angry. However, I know that I also need to learn to let go... To stop trying to fix everything all the time. I know that, but it's just so hard when you honestly genuinely care about the people you have to let go of. For now, I have to try and surrender the situation(s) to God. I'm sure He's got it.

And I do hope that these people will wake up and see what they are doing. See that I am here and I'm trying to do what's right. I hope that they miss me and know that I love them... I hope they find out. Until then, I have to side with Steven Morrissey on the matter....

Regaurding Anne Frank

We've been talking a good deal about Anne Frank as of lately. This sparked up primarily because my good friend, Josh has just read her diary. A lot of discussion about personality type and perspective came up as it often does. We all have been talking about what an amazing and beautiful young mind she was and how wise beyond her years she was. It's really astonishing and I have to say though, that in reading the things she has written down, it really takes me back quite a bit to feel her heart so strongly through her writing... And honestly, I understand her quite a good deal. By this, I by no means am comparing the life I live as a server at a restaurant who lives in a house surrounded with people whom I love greatly and who I believe at the very least find me tolerable to her life and the tragedy and horror that surrounded it. Rather, I mean her outlook is firstly inspiring and second something I find myself thinking quite a substantial amount of time.

One of the things I catch myself saying, thinking, and feeling is my desire to feel heard and understood. And anyone who knows me would probably find that somewhat stupid considering that I stand up for what I believe, speak my mind and can even be quite challenging and correcting (Not all together a "Good" thing). But in the midst of my quest for what is right, I feel very much and very often that my thoughts do not get through. In my attempts to do what is right, I fear my deep desire to do what is right and to care for and love others gets overseen. In my strict and blunt defense, I do not feel that it is seen how much I just want to make everyone happy and safe. Behind my strength, softness. Behind my smile, pain. Behind my will to fight, loneliness. Behind my standing firm, my hurt and sadness.

And in all of the things I have read and with all the things I admire in Anne Frank, over her wit and intelligence, wisdom and insight, what has stuck out to me most are the things I thought as a child. Often. About never knowing when your parents wanting you to be serious or to joke (To this day, I still feel like I always guess that wrong.) How she longed to have authentic friendships and to be authentic with people; to be honest. Her notice of the need for love and for joy. (I think that provided people would ask and listen to me more, they would find that this is one of the strongest of my desires. To have fun and to love and be free). That she refused to back off of her standards, despite how unrealistic they may seem. And perhaps most of all.... Her strong belief that people had good in them. The idea that you should not give up on people.

This is quite rushed, because my laptop is dying... But I just want to scream sometimes I feel so much and so little can really show in my day to day life. So this is me saying, I understand the want you think, Anne Frank. And for anyone who understands how I think, I've got your back. You're not crazy, and if you are you are most certainly not alone. And for anyone who knows someone like me. You would be surprised what you'd learn if you'd get down to the heart and reason of things.

God bless. Good night.