Regaurding Anne Frank

We've been talking a good deal about Anne Frank as of lately. This sparked up primarily because my good friend, Josh has just read her diary. A lot of discussion about personality type and perspective came up as it often does. We all have been talking about what an amazing and beautiful young mind she was and how wise beyond her years she was. It's really astonishing and I have to say though, that in reading the things she has written down, it really takes me back quite a bit to feel her heart so strongly through her writing... And honestly, I understand her quite a good deal. By this, I by no means am comparing the life I live as a server at a restaurant who lives in a house surrounded with people whom I love greatly and who I believe at the very least find me tolerable to her life and the tragedy and horror that surrounded it. Rather, I mean her outlook is firstly inspiring and second something I find myself thinking quite a substantial amount of time.

One of the things I catch myself saying, thinking, and feeling is my desire to feel heard and understood. And anyone who knows me would probably find that somewhat stupid considering that I stand up for what I believe, speak my mind and can even be quite challenging and correcting (Not all together a "Good" thing). But in the midst of my quest for what is right, I feel very much and very often that my thoughts do not get through. In my attempts to do what is right, I fear my deep desire to do what is right and to care for and love others gets overseen. In my strict and blunt defense, I do not feel that it is seen how much I just want to make everyone happy and safe. Behind my strength, softness. Behind my smile, pain. Behind my will to fight, loneliness. Behind my standing firm, my hurt and sadness.

And in all of the things I have read and with all the things I admire in Anne Frank, over her wit and intelligence, wisdom and insight, what has stuck out to me most are the things I thought as a child. Often. About never knowing when your parents wanting you to be serious or to joke (To this day, I still feel like I always guess that wrong.) How she longed to have authentic friendships and to be authentic with people; to be honest. Her notice of the need for love and for joy. (I think that provided people would ask and listen to me more, they would find that this is one of the strongest of my desires. To have fun and to love and be free). That she refused to back off of her standards, despite how unrealistic they may seem. And perhaps most of all.... Her strong belief that people had good in them. The idea that you should not give up on people.

This is quite rushed, because my laptop is dying... But I just want to scream sometimes I feel so much and so little can really show in my day to day life. So this is me saying, I understand the want you think, Anne Frank. And for anyone who understands how I think, I've got your back. You're not crazy, and if you are you are most certainly not alone. And for anyone who knows someone like me. You would be surprised what you'd learn if you'd get down to the heart and reason of things.

God bless. Good night.

Before You Go, Can You Read My Mind?

When I was a kid I loved movies. It started with Disney's "Cinderella" and Dr. Suess' "How The Grinch Stole Christmas." It went on to be the Transformers movie and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other movie adaptations of cartoons I loved. Then came The Princess Bride, Watership Down, Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Back To The Future. Then, when I was at my Uncle's house it really started to grow... I got to see Terminator 2: Judgement Day, tons of comedies and Jaws. I started to watch all the movies I could get a hold of or tape off of television. Con-Air, Air Force One, and one particular moment when my mom let me watch Twister which I had wanted to see with her in theaters but wasn't allowed. And so on and so forth. And then there is music, it was Christian rock for me for a while. DC Talk and the Newsboys and things my Mother liked, like Barry Manilo and Michael Bolton. I was, however surruonded by a lot of 80's music as I grew up around the houses and family members I did and that is what really started to form my first "Tatse" in music. Hall and Oats, Blondie, Eurythimics, Phil Collins; George Michael, Huey Lewis and The News, and of course "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler and "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo,

All that being a little bit of backgroud for the understanding that when I talk about music and film it's something I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about it because I love stories, characters, and meaning. While I love comidies, it's doubtful you will find many if any at all on my favorite movies of all time list. (This does exclude wondersful comidies with depth such as The Princess Bride, Juno, or most things John Hughes wrote or anything that Wes Anderson has created.) Music tells a story and in music you just say how you feel. These ideas are very, very important to me. I seek to understand people and hear and understand where they are coming from. I believe telling a story is far more effective than providing the basic inromation which you are to imply. I feel like Jesus and His Father must feel the same way, seeing as how Jesus always said "The Kingdom of Heaven is like, (Insert story). And the Bible is full of them, so all that being the case, He must think that we can learn more through an experience than a lesson. I believe film (and of course, litterature) can do this. And then music allows you to say what you want and it doesn't matter if it's angry or mad or sad because you're singing it. And the really great singers sing it like they mean it, and when that happens, it can be the best stuff. 

I always liked it when singers yelled their lyrics. When Bonnie Tyler belts out "Love is like a shadow on me all of the time!" Or Phil Collins: "Take a look at me now. I'll still be standing here!" it gets to you. Or even the beautiful voice and lyrics that are sang with a upbeat tune from The Cure's Robert Smith. "Daylight wiped me inti shape. I must have been asleep for days. I moved my lips to breath her name and opened up my eyes and found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea, that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me." Those are some of the most beautiful and hearbreaking words I have ever heard sung. And it's okay. And feelings being okay is something I believe in very much for most everyone but myself. So I need to sing. I need it. And I believe considering 150 Psalms made the cut into the Bible including some that talk about how God has left David alone with his enemies surronding him.... I think that also says some wonderful things about our God. Not only that he likes music, but that it's okay to have feelings... Even the big scary, angry tearful ones.

I really didn't plan on going into all that. I was thinking of a song that I remember feeling so much at one point in my life and that caused me to think of how thankful I am for the work of Brandon Flowers and the band The Killers. He's one of those people who I would just love to sit down and talk to because I feel as though we would agree on a whole lot of things. Then it wound up into this little rant about how very much these things mean to me and why. Provided you read this far, thanks for listening to my story and feelings about stories and feelings. 

I hope you enjoy this and maybe you will feel this deep and pure inside your heart like I have and I suppose on some level, still do. God bless. 

It's not "If I believe in Love." It's "Love believes in me."

I have found myself in mild conflict with others as of late, mostly for my desire to stand on the Word of God as use it as my foundation. That may not be the way that people would put it, but it's been the way it has been. This has been particuarly upsetting because people who I love very much have not talked to me as much or been around like I want them to because I have stood up for something I believe in. It's not as though standing up for something I believe in is something I have much trouble doing really.... When I believe in something, I am totally find standing for it. What has been heartbreaking to me is that I genuinly love these people and really, in the very least, I hold a deep desire to love all people. I hate watching people hurt. I hate watching people be confused. I hate people feelings alone. I hate watching pain. I hate when I see "Churchs" wound the very people they are called to love. I hate not being able to fix it.

I have a tendacy at times, one I know is not all together a possitive tendancy, to want to love, accept, protect and care for people. The only reason I say that is not all together possitive is because of Mark 12, when Jesus is asked what is the greatest commandment, He replies: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neigbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." I try desperatly to love people with everything I can, and sometimes, as much as I love God.... I fear that I place people first. I fear that I take from God what He wants: to fix, hold, care for, and love on His children. I do not mean to do this! I love God so very much, and I want to help people. However, just as when a person breaks their leg you are not supposed to move them due to making the situation worse, rather let professionals fix it. Sometimes I try to step in front of the pro here.

Now, sad as it is to say.... This is not written towards many of those in the church that I have met who. Those who talk a great deal about Jesus' love but can't rub two emotional or empithitc coins together for the life of them... Rather this is for those who love people but can sometimes forget, as I do, that the FIRST commandmant is love the Lord your God. If we do that, I believe the rest will fall into place. This is NOT to say to stop loving those around us, but when they become to overshadow Christ is our lives, that's when we need to look at some things. We can not believe that we can just take from God the items we need and then come back when we're empty again. We must be plugged in. We have no good in us but that which comes from God, and so we must stay plugged into Him and if we truley love Him, His fruit will grow naturally. Love God. Love people. We do a lot of talk about "Speaking the truth in love." And as my younger brother once so profoundly put it, we confuse speaking softly with speaking out of love. Sometimes love is harsh and sometimes love does not tell you what you want to here at all. But love covers, and protects, and holds, and bends, and bruises and still holds on at the very deepest part of our hearts. And sometimes, maybe people walk away. Maybe people get angry or upset. Maybe you feel alone, I know I do... But we have to place our faith and our trust in Christ, first and formost. Keep ourselves in check, and remember "It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying." It's not our goodness, but the goodness of Christ in us.

Things get very difficult and it gets very cold and dark out here in this shithole of a planet, but if there is one thing we must do, it is to hold tight to Christ and never, ever let go. Hold on and refuse to let go. Fight, scratch, kick, bite, wail, punch, and grab. Our walk as followers of Christ is not an event, it is a jouney (as my brother and friend in Christ always says) and we must press on toward the goal to win the prize for which Christ has called us (Phil. 3:14). We must never, ever give up. It is a struggle, it is a war, it is a FAITH and it is a HOPE. And we must never give up on that. Fight and love with everything you have got, but always remember first that we must kneel before Christ without fear or worry about what others around us may think because that is intamacy. "It's not 'If I believe in Love.' It's Love believes in me."'

"It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying. It's hard to be the better man.... When you're still lying."

"I Think I Talk To You Best When I Sing. I Sing About Almost Everything."

This is the best way I can think of to help you, provided you need it at present:

1.) These Days - Nico
2.) Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself? - Morrissey
3.) New York State Of Mind - Billy Joel
4.) Miss Misery  - Elliott Smith
5.) Land Locked Blues - Bright Eyes
6.) How To Disappear Completely - Radiohead
7.) Flatlands (Sprawl II) - Arcade Fire
8.) Against All Odds - Phil Collins
9.) That's How People Grow Up - Morrissey
10.) Don't Let Them See You Cry - Manchester Orchestra
11.) The World At Large - Modest Mouse
12.) Romeo And Juliet (Cover) - The Killers
13.) Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
14.) She - Elvis Costello
15.) Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
16.) Most Of The Time - Bob Dylan
17.) Never Tear Us Apart - INXS
18.) Oh My God - Jars Of Clay
19.) The River - Manchester Orchestra
20.) Transatlatlanticism - Death Cab For Cutie
21.) My Body Is A Cage - Arcade Fire

These Days...

These days I seem to be less and less aware of my emotions, or feelings rather. I have been asked "How are you doing? What's going on? How are you feeling? How is your heart?" a lot lately. It's gotten quite annoying, really. I know I shouldn't feel that way.... I'm very blessed to have friends who ask those questions. The problem is that I don't know how to answer it because I don't know the answer. I know I'm sad, and that I am confused. I know I am hurt and lonely. I know I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone's feelings. I know that I am feeling hopeless. I just don't know how to say any of that, and when people ask these questions either I don't want to talk to that person about the issue, or I just don't know how to express it at all. Not appropriate, maybe? I don't know. Then the very people who I feel I should be able to talk to the most don't seem to be getting it. I talked to one of my best friends about a lot of all this just a few minutes ago, and when I really did start to talk, all I got is a list of things I'm not doing well enough, and a list of people who I'm not looking out for like they would like me to. You can please all of the people some of the time and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all the time.

I know that it's likely no one reads this... I do not deceive myself enough to think this is breathtaking reading material, nor do I pretend that it is of any importance to anyone. I do confess, however that there are times I wonder if someone I know will find this and learn what it is that I'm thinking and feeling really. I don't seem to be able to say it to many people out loud; toning being a prime example of just this. Whatever the matter, it seems to help me to put it out there, and this is what I'm putting out there: I am lonely and angry and I can't seem to express it very well. Thank God for the wonder of music though, because with it I seem to be able to say exactly what it is that I wish to say. Lately when people ask me those questions about my ever elusive feelings, my response has been, both verbally and honestly, "I honestly have no idea as to how to answer that." Here's everything I mean to say:

I've been out walking, I don't do too much talking these days

These days, these days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do

And all the times I had the chance to

I stopped my rambling, I don't do too much gambling these days

These days, these days I seem to think about how all the changes came about my way 

And I wonder if I'll see another highway

I had a lover, I don't think I'll risk another these days 

These days. And if I seem to be afraid to live the life that I have made in song

It's just that I've been loosing so long

I stopped my dreaming, I won't do too much scheming these days

These days, these days I sit on corner stones 

And count the time in quarter tones to ten

Please don't confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them. 

Jack Shephard, King Peter, Mr Darcy, and me.

While searching around the internet due to boredom and slight depression due to prolonged exposure to reality, I started looking up fictional Enneagram characters. I like to look these up every so often, mostly because I believe that just as Christ gave parables, told stories to explain at greater length and depth what the Kingdom of God looks like, I believe that we can learn a great deal about ourselves from good fiction. I have learned more about true leadership from "Watership Down" than from any seminar I have attended on the matter. The issue at hand with these late-night google searches tends to be either 1.) No one talks at great length on the matter. 2.) No one seems to know what they are talking about. (Harry Potter is an Eight?) 


I by no means to reduce the Enneagram into a coffee-shop, afternoon tea discussion for those with a taste for pretense, nor to belittle it's importance in shining light upon our human condition... Rather, the opposite in fact. I believe that story tales matter deeply, and as G.K. Chesterton said, "Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." This having been said, I came across the following excerpt on Enneagram Type Ones: 


"Other fictional examples of type One include Mr. Spock, who is sometimes mistaken for a Five, Dostoevsky's Grand Inquisitor, Aragorn, from the Tolkien trilogy, and King Peter from the Narnia chronicles, whose creator, C.S. Lewis was also a One. And, Mr. Darcy from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy describes his character in these terms:"I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding, certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever...There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."" 


It made me quite happy, not only that I found this because being a Type One myself, my reasoning for this search was to feel less alone, which is a large reason as to why I read fiction in the first place. This managed to list a great deal of my favorite fictional characters (As well as a real person of whom, as far as human beings go, I hold in highest respect) and managed to do so with intelligence. That being said, If by chance anyone out there comes across this and happens to know the Enneagram, I would love some insight into my thoughts on this. I have put quite an amount of thought into the fictional characters I have been able to type, all the same I will say that I often tend to not believe that characters I respect and love are Ones. This is not because I find myself to be bad at this, forgive me, but I think I am rather good at it really... It has to do with a poor reflection I hold to my self and by extension, Ones in general I believe. Without any further babbling, my thoughts are as follows: 


I love that they placed Mr. Spock in there, because while he does look a great deal like a Five, I do believe he is a One, and for that matter one of the better written Ones. It is important when looking at these things to look at motives, intent, reasoning, and background into why a character does what he or she does as opposed to just the demeanor of a character. I think that goes against the exact purpose of such an exercise. Aragorn I can agree with due to his fear of failing to do what is right and good; Aragorn has a great fear of following the sins of his fathers. While any Type can feel this way, I think that with an understanding that they are fictional characters, this is a good example. King Peter, now all I can say is that he is hands down the character in Narnia I relate most with... I do not know about C.S. Lewis though. Lewis has always seemed more like Type Five to me. I think that may cause some of my doubt on that subject. Now, Mr. Darcy.... There is a great compliment and a compelling argument for a Type One. I love Mr. Darcy, so it's a great compliment that anyone would view him in that manner and I must say that is a very respectful case they made. Made my night a little bit. 


Other Ones that I have found personally to be rather strong representations of at least respectable Ones are Jack Shephard from LOST, Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird, Hazel from Watership Down, Hermione Granger and Professor Mcgonagall from Harry Potter, Rabbit from Winnie The Pooh; Sister Aloysius from Doubt, Jefferson Smith from Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Dan from Dan In Real Life, Optimus Prime, and Captain America. Some examples of terrible Ones that I want to jump into the screen/pages and stranger (from bad to worse) would be Felix Unger from The Odd Couple, Percy Weasley and Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter, and Nurse Ratchet from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. There is a lot of sufficent evidence of Albus Dumbledore being a One, however that would be so much wisdom and greatness given to one number that I dare not jump to that conclusion without thinking a bit more. However, whatever he is, I think he is a wonderful example as to what any number would want to look like in that he is quite well rounded. That, I pray, will come with age.


And now, I will do what I've been avoiding for hours and sleep. Goodnight and Godbless.