These Days...

These days I seem to be less and less aware of my emotions, or feelings rather. I have been asked "How are you doing? What's going on? How are you feeling? How is your heart?" a lot lately. It's gotten quite annoying, really. I know I shouldn't feel that way.... I'm very blessed to have friends who ask those questions. The problem is that I don't know how to answer it because I don't know the answer. I know I'm sad, and that I am confused. I know I am hurt and lonely. I know I'm scared I'm going to hurt someone's feelings. I know that I am feeling hopeless. I just don't know how to say any of that, and when people ask these questions either I don't want to talk to that person about the issue, or I just don't know how to express it at all. Not appropriate, maybe? I don't know. Then the very people who I feel I should be able to talk to the most don't seem to be getting it. I talked to one of my best friends about a lot of all this just a few minutes ago, and when I really did start to talk, all I got is a list of things I'm not doing well enough, and a list of people who I'm not looking out for like they would like me to. You can please all of the people some of the time and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all the time.

I know that it's likely no one reads this... I do not deceive myself enough to think this is breathtaking reading material, nor do I pretend that it is of any importance to anyone. I do confess, however that there are times I wonder if someone I know will find this and learn what it is that I'm thinking and feeling really. I don't seem to be able to say it to many people out loud; toning being a prime example of just this. Whatever the matter, it seems to help me to put it out there, and this is what I'm putting out there: I am lonely and angry and I can't seem to express it very well. Thank God for the wonder of music though, because with it I seem to be able to say exactly what it is that I wish to say. Lately when people ask me those questions about my ever elusive feelings, my response has been, both verbally and honestly, "I honestly have no idea as to how to answer that." Here's everything I mean to say:

I've been out walking, I don't do too much talking these days

These days, these days I seem to think a lot about the things that I forgot to do

And all the times I had the chance to

I stopped my rambling, I don't do too much gambling these days

These days, these days I seem to think about how all the changes came about my way 

And I wonder if I'll see another highway

I had a lover, I don't think I'll risk another these days 

These days. And if I seem to be afraid to live the life that I have made in song

It's just that I've been loosing so long

I stopped my dreaming, I won't do too much scheming these days

These days, these days I sit on corner stones 

And count the time in quarter tones to ten

Please don't confront me with my failures, I have not forgotten them.