I am so thankful to Kermit the Frog for reminding me through joy or sadness; struggle, trouble, problems, or pain; joy, laughter, and happiness... In tough and easy times, that there's still hope. There is still more to all of this. In this, we press on...
Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it. I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me. Who said that every wish would be heard and answered when wished on the morning star? Somebody thought of that and someone believed it. Look what it's done so far. What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing and what do we think we might see? Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me. All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic. Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors. The voice might be one and the same. I've heard it too many times to ignore it. It's something that I'm supposed to be. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection. The lovers, the dreamers and me.
A man in the park read the lines on my hands, told me I'm strong; hardly ever wrong. I said, "Man, you're mean."
You had plans for both of us that involved a trip out of town to a place I've seen in a magazine that you left lying around. I don't have you with me, but I keep a good attitude. Do you miss me, Miss Misery like you say you do?
To vanish into oblivion is easy to do. And I try to be, but you know me... I come back when you want me to. Do you miss me, Miss Misery? Like you say you do?
So, I'm really angry. It's upsetting because I feel like I have little to no outlet for what I feel so it builds up within my chest and I just think of mean things and I want to yell and break something. I've decided that when I have a house of my own, I am going to designate one corner of the back yard to be the "Sean's Angry Corner" (We're still working on the name). It's really quite interesting to me, because for a long, long time I did not consider myself to be an angry person. It's only been the last couple of years that I've identified the anger. For me, I press down on feelings I have that I see as wrong or upsetting or especially hurtful towards others... That's the last thing I want to do, is hurt other people. The problem is that I confuse those three things and they should not be confused.
When I was young, I grew up around people who treated one another very badly out of their anger and it was something I never, ever wanted to do. I think that in this, I associated anger with with poor situation management, and by extension, "Bad." So once you break all that down from it's many parts to just one view that view becomes Simple.
Being angry = Being bad
Now, my desire to not want to be anything like the people who hurt others in their anger, I pressed it all down. I told myself never to behave "Badly" and that included never allowing myself to get angry. I would tell people I was sad, or hurt, or depressed... Which was not untrue, but in that I also became angry. I just did not recognize it, but rather dismiss it and it wound up pressing right back until times when I would say hurtful things and I could not figure out for the life of be why that would happen. Where would my mean words come from? I didn't want to upset or hurt anyone, so why would I act like an asshole all of the sudden? And I knew why, I knew it was because I got tired or being treated poorly, or being hurt or walked on and so finally I would not be able to take it anymore. And it was in this a few years ago that I was reminded by the verse Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry, but sin not...." Anger is natural and maybe even healthy, There is even talk of "Righteous Anger" or a "Holy Discontent." God gets angry, and God is all good. Anger is not the issue, it's what you do with that anger that can become the problem. Despite my natural instinct to press down my anger, I try to find ways to say I'm angry rather than ignoring it, and learning all of this has been huge for me. Please excuse the following rant of my anger in a more healthy form.
I have been more hurt by more friends in the last few months than maybe any other previous time in my life. I'm trying not to be, but I've just been hurt and betrayed by so many people I never thought I'd have to worry about doing such. And what's confusing, is when I recap, I know that there's nothing I can do because any miscommunication we may have had that I caused, I have cleared up... I've tried to be soft, then nice, then firm, then mean, they just explain how sad I was and here we are.... Nothing I am doing is fixing this or letting these people know what I so desperately wish they would get: I love my friends and I always want to do what's right where they are concerned... And yet I get lied to, betrayed and left by people I honestly thought I would have forever. And I know "These things happen" and "Now is not forever" but, damn it I'm just so brokenhearted and I don't know what else to say. I've said the truth and I suppose that's all I have. And so now I'm trying to fight the anger, but stop fighting the anger, but make sure that I don't sin in the anger, but still feeling and letting out the anger and it's all just making me very angry.
"Is that what you call tact? You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back, so lets end this call and end this conversation. Is that what you call a getaway? Well, tell me what you got away with cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you said, 'Best friends means friends forever.' Is that what you call a getaway? Well tell me what you got away with, cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish. I've seen more guts in 11 year old kids..."
And for now, I will be thankful for what I do have... For the friends who stick up for me and know my heart. For my friends who shut down the lies when they hear them. For my friends who get angry that I'm sad. And it is so hard because I care so deeply.... These people mean the world to me and I honestly want to help these people and fix these situations. It hurts so bad, and that's why I'm so angry. However, I know that I also need to learn to let go... To stop trying to fix everything all the time. I know that, but it's just so hard when you honestly genuinely care about the people you have to let go of. For now, I have to try and surrender the situation(s) to God. I'm sure He's got it.
And I do hope that these people will wake up and see what they are doing. See that I am here and I'm trying to do what's right. I hope that they miss me and know that I love them... I hope they find out. Until then, I have to side with Steven Morrissey on the matter....
We've been talking a good deal about Anne Frank as of lately. This sparked up primarily because my good friend, Josh has just read her diary. A lot of discussion about personality type and perspective came up as it often does. We all have been talking about what an amazing and beautiful young mind she was and how wise beyond her years she was. It's really astonishing and I have to say though, that in reading the things she has written down, it really takes me back quite a bit to feel her heart so strongly through her writing... And honestly, I understand her quite a good deal. By this, I by no means am comparing the life I live as a server at a restaurant who lives in a house surrounded with people whom I love greatly and who I believe at the very least find me tolerable to her life and the tragedy and horror that surrounded it. Rather, I mean her outlook is firstly inspiring and second something I find myself thinking quite a substantial amount of time.
One of the things I catch myself saying, thinking, and feeling is my desire to feel heard and understood. And anyone who knows me would probably find that somewhat stupid considering that I stand up for what I believe, speak my mind and can even be quite challenging and correcting (Not all together a "Good" thing). But in the midst of my quest for what is right, I feel very much and very often that my thoughts do not get through. In my attempts to do what is right, I fear my deep desire to do what is right and to care for and love others gets overseen. In my strict and blunt defense, I do not feel that it is seen how much I just want to make everyone happy and safe. Behind my strength, softness. Behind my smile, pain. Behind my will to fight, loneliness. Behind my standing firm, my hurt and sadness.
And in all of the things I have read and with all the things I admire in Anne Frank, over her wit and intelligence, wisdom and insight, what has stuck out to me most are the things I thought as a child. Often. About never knowing when your parents wanting you to be serious or to joke (To this day, I still feel like I always guess that wrong.) How she longed to have authentic friendships and to be authentic with people; to be honest. Her notice of the need for love and for joy. (I think that provided people would ask and listen to me more, they would find that this is one of the strongest of my desires. To have fun and to love and be free). That she refused to back off of her standards, despite how unrealistic they may seem. And perhaps most of all.... Her strong belief that people had good in them. The idea that you should not give up on people.
This is quite rushed, because my laptop is dying... But I just want to scream sometimes I feel so much and so little can really show in my day to day life. So this is me saying, I understand the want you think, Anne Frank. And for anyone who understands how I think, I've got your back. You're not crazy, and if you are you are most certainly not alone. And for anyone who knows someone like me. You would be surprised what you'd learn if you'd get down to the heart and reason of things.
When I was a kid I loved movies. It started with Disney's "Cinderella" and Dr. Suess' "How The Grinch Stole Christmas." It went on to be the Transformers movie and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other movie adaptations of cartoons I loved. Then came The Princess Bride, Watership Down, Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Back To The Future. Then, when I was at my Uncle's house it really started to grow... I got to see Terminator 2: Judgement Day, tons of comedies and Jaws. I started to watch all the movies I could get a hold of or tape off of television. Con-Air, Air Force One, and one particular moment when my mom let me watch Twister which I had wanted to see with her in theaters but wasn't allowed. And so on and so forth. And then there is music, it was Christian rock for me for a while. DC Talk and the Newsboys and things my Mother liked, like Barry Manilo and Michael Bolton. I was, however surruonded by a lot of 80's music as I grew up around the houses and family members I did and that is what really started to form my first "Tatse" in music. Hall and Oats, Blondie, Eurythimics, Phil Collins; George Michael, Huey Lewis and The News, and of course "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler and "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo,
All that being a little bit of backgroud for the understanding that when I talk about music and film it's something I'm passionate about. I'm passionate about it because I love stories, characters, and meaning. While I love comidies, it's doubtful you will find many if any at all on my favorite movies of all time list. (This does exclude wondersful comidies with depth such as The Princess Bride, Juno, or most things John Hughes wrote or anything that Wes Anderson has created.) Music tells a story and in music you just say how you feel. These ideas are very, very important to me. I seek to understand people and hear and understand where they are coming from. I believe telling a story is far more effective than providing the basic inromation which you are to imply. I feel like Jesus and His Father must feel the same way, seeing as how Jesus always said "The Kingdom of Heaven is like, (Insert story). And the Bible is full of them, so all that being the case, He must think that we can learn more through an experience than a lesson. I believe film (and of course, litterature) can do this. And then music allows you to say what you want and it doesn't matter if it's angry or mad or sad because you're singing it. And the really great singers sing it like they mean it, and when that happens, it can be the best stuff.
I always liked it when singers yelled their lyrics. When Bonnie Tyler belts out "Love is like a shadow on me all of the time!" Or Phil Collins: "Take a look at me now. I'll still be standing here!" it gets to you. Or even the beautiful voice and lyrics that are sang with a upbeat tune from The Cure's Robert Smith. "Daylight wiped me inti shape. I must have been asleep for days. I moved my lips to breath her name and opened up my eyes and found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea, that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me." Those are some of the most beautiful and hearbreaking words I have ever heard sung. And it's okay. And feelings being okay is something I believe in very much for most everyone but myself. So I need to sing. I need it. And I believe considering 150 Psalms made the cut into the Bible including some that talk about how God has left David alone with his enemies surronding him.... I think that also says some wonderful things about our God. Not only that he likes music, but that it's okay to have feelings... Even the big scary, angry tearful ones.
I really didn't plan on going into all that. I was thinking of a song that I remember feeling so much at one point in my life and that caused me to think of how thankful I am for the work of Brandon Flowers and the band The Killers. He's one of those people who I would just love to sit down and talk to because I feel as though we would agree on a whole lot of things. Then it wound up into this little rant about how very much these things mean to me and why. Provided you read this far, thanks for listening to my story and feelings about stories and feelings.
I hope you enjoy this and maybe you will feel this deep and pure inside your heart like I have and I suppose on some level, still do. God bless.
I have found myself in mild conflict with others as of late, mostly for my desire to stand on the Word of God as use it as my foundation. That may not be the way that people would put it, but it's been the way it has been. This has been particuarly upsetting because people who I love very much have not talked to me as much or been around like I want them to because I have stood up for something I believe in. It's not as though standing up for something I believe in is something I have much trouble doing really.... When I believe in something, I am totally find standing for it. What has been heartbreaking to me is that I genuinly love these people and really, in the very least, I hold a deep desire to love all people. I hate watching people hurt. I hate watching people be confused. I hate people feelings alone. I hate watching pain. I hate when I see "Churchs" wound the very people they are called to love. I hate not being able to fix it.
I have a tendacy at times, one I know is not all together a possitive tendancy, to want to love, accept, protect and care for people. The only reason I say that is not all together possitive is because of Mark 12, when Jesus is asked what is the greatest commandment, He replies: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neigbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." I try desperatly to love people with everything I can, and sometimes, as much as I love God.... I fear that I place people first. I fear that I take from God what He wants: to fix, hold, care for, and love on His children. I do not mean to do this! I love God so very much, and I want to help people. However, just as when a person breaks their leg you are not supposed to move them due to making the situation worse, rather let professionals fix it. Sometimes I try to step in front of the pro here.
Now, sad as it is to say.... This is not written towards many of those in the church that I have met who. Those who talk a great deal about Jesus' love but can't rub two emotional or empithitc coins together for the life of them... Rather this is for those who love people but can sometimes forget, as I do, that the FIRST commandmant is love the Lord your God. If we do that, I believe the rest will fall into place. This is NOT to say to stop loving those around us, but when they become to overshadow Christ is our lives, that's when we need to look at some things. We can not believe that we can just take from God the items we need and then come back when we're empty again. We must be plugged in. We have no good in us but that which comes from God, and so we must stay plugged into Him and if we truley love Him, His fruit will grow naturally. Love God. Love people. We do a lot of talk about "Speaking the truth in love." And as my younger brother once so profoundly put it, we confuse speaking softly with speaking out of love. Sometimes love is harsh and sometimes love does not tell you what you want to here at all. But love covers, and protects, and holds, and bends, and bruises and still holds on at the very deepest part of our hearts. And sometimes, maybe people walk away. Maybe people get angry or upset. Maybe you feel alone, I know I do... But we have to place our faith and our trust in Christ, first and formost. Keep ourselves in check, and remember "It's hard to be the better man when you forget you're trying." It's not our goodness, but the goodness of Christ in us.
Things get very difficult and it gets very cold and dark out here in this shithole of a planet, but if there is one thing we must do, it is to hold tight to Christ and never, ever let go. Hold on and refuse to let go. Fight, scratch, kick, bite, wail, punch, and grab. Our walk as followers of Christ is not an event, it is a jouney (as my brother and friend in Christ always says) and we must press on toward the goal to win the prize for which Christ has called us (Phil. 3:14). We must never, ever give up. It is a struggle, it is a war, it is a FAITH and it is a HOPE. And we must never give up on that. Fight and love with everything you have got, but always remember first that we must kneel before Christ without fear or worry about what others around us may think because that is intamacy. "It's not 'If I believe in Love.' It's Love believes in me."'
